Thursday.

 

I am absolutely terrified. On Thursday, I am supposed to be given permission to put weight on my left leg for the first time in over 11 weeks, and I am absolutely terrified.

I had a 48 hour panic attack late last week when I began feeling spasms and tingling in the leg that had not occurred before. I’m supposed to be able to begin learning how to walk again this week, and I don’t know what to expect from it. It’s been extremely trying. And it’s often felt isolating.

How quickly will I be able to climb my own stairs without the fear of falling? How quickly will I be able to get rid of the knee brace that has felt like 20 pounds strapped to my lower half? Will my trip to Nashville next week for Springsteen, Nickel Creek and Record Store Day go as I have planned it for the last two months? (Because that’d be the awesomest.) How much more rehab will follow this and how aggressive will it become? Will I be able to endure festival season?

It’s an extremely complicated emotion. A lot of really great people have helped me get through this, and I’m now afraid of letting someone down. I’m afraid of letting myself down. I’m afraid of the unknown. I’ve never been so terrified, and it’s never been an emotion I’ve been good at expressing without being on a Ferris wheel. It’s impossible to internalize it, and it’s been nearly as impossible to deal with it.

To those people that have helped me, to the ones that have talked me through those panic attacks both directly related and indirectly related, thank you. I hope I can make you proud on Thursday.

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